


Mortality

by mamalovesherbagels



Category: Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (TV 2018)
Genre: Everyone loves Harvey accept himself, Prepare to cry sometimes, Trigger warning attempted suicide and suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-24
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:28:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22393312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mamalovesherbagels/pseuds/mamalovesherbagels
Summary: After seeing “Tommy” in hell, Harvey decides he’s had enough. Of his life. Of everything. Maybe his dad was right about him “having PTSD or something.” Spoilers for episode one of part three. TW attempted suicide.
Relationships: Harvey Kinkle & Sabrina Spellman, Harvey Kinkle/Rosalind "Roz" Walker
Comments: 4
Kudos: 15





	1. That Fateful Night

.  
She usually gets her premonitions from her cunning with more time between the foresight and the actually action. But it’s a spur of the moment decision, so she only sees it about a half a second before it actually happens, and it breaks her out her sleep, making her spend a few more halves of seconds determining if it was a dream or the cunning. When she realizes it’s happening, it’s already happened. She screams.

.  
The thing is, he just decides he can’t take it any longer. Something he’s been feeling for months, but pushing down, pushing back, pushing away because he’s fine. He has to be. For Tommy. Because Tommy died and he lived and it should’ve been the other way around but it wasn’t and now he has to live for the both of him. But the other thing is, the fake “Tommy” from hell was right. He killed him. He’s a monster. The guilt, the flashbacks, the nightmares, the crying in the shower, none of that’s ever going to stop. So he decides. In an instant. He’s done. It’s over. He doesn’t think to leave a note, he doesn’t think over that his rifle is probably a more surefire method than his dad’s pills he takes for “backaches” but he’s not thinking rationally, not thinking at all, really, just doing. For once. Out of his head and into the dark. Silence. Peace. This is what he’s expecting on the other side. Goodbye. 

.  
She doesn’t call 911. She doesn’t know if an ambulance or a hospital can save them. She thinks Sabrina and her magic and Aunt Hilda’s healing powers have to be able to. They have to be able to.She refuses to believe otherwise. Sabrina’s awake from a nightmare. She screams too. It wakes up her aunts. There’s not one peep from Zelda about “respecting the natural order” this time.

.  
“Harvey, Harvey, love, no. No, no, no,” Hilda cries, frantically rushing around for the right ingredients, having teleported them all back to their house, everyone deciding to save now and think of how to handle the repercussions of not taking him to a traditional hospital later, “you’re still awake. Barely, but still awake. Keep that up darling, I just need a few more seconds.”

She can hear crying and yelling and desperate praying outside the door; she had to kick everyone else out so she could focus and work on healing the poor boy she laid down in Sabrina’s bed.

“Okay, okay, it’s done. I’m gonna have you drink this and it’s going to make you feel icky but it’s what you need, okay?” She sniffles, knowing he can’t actually comprehend a word she’s saying as she props him up and helps him (forces him to) sip the potion, “that’s a good boy, good boy, You’re doing so well, Harvey. So glad you haven’t gone to sleep on me, hm?”

For about thirty seconds she’s afraid, no, terrified, that she’s failed, but then he coughs a bit, and she starts to weep with relief as she puts the cauldron in his lap and holds him.

“You’re not going to like this, my love.”

He beings to retch.

.

Where, where where did she go wrong? How could she not see that her boyfriend wanted to die? And how could he… how could he do this to himself? To her? God, she feels so selfish worrying about that, but he can’t die. He just can’t. 

.

Sabrina is silent, sitting on the floor, feeling to frozen to cry. I did this, she thinks. I did this, I did this, I did this.

.  
“Gross,” is the first word Harvey moans after hours of silence, and Hilda can’t help but start weeping again.

“Hi, love,” she coos, furiously wiping at her eyes, “I know it’s no fun. But I’ve got you, you’re alright.”

“Mmm,” he whines, shaking a little, leaning on her unthinkingly.

“It’s alright, it’s alright,” she sniffles, surmising that he has no idea what’s going on and doesn’t remember what happened yet, and probably won’t for a few more hours, “just rest, dear.”

“Mmmm.”

“I know, I know.”

.

She lets Roz in to see him, with numerous warnings about how out of it and weak and sickly he is, and not to try and bring it up at all yet. And it’s just her in the room with him, as Hilda’s set a very firm one at a time until Harvey can consent to more than that rule.

“Baby,” gasps, rushing over and sliding into the bed next to him, wanting to squeeze him but remembering that Hilda all but yelled at her to be gentle, “hi. Hi, Harvey. Do you feel like you can talk a little for me?

“...Roz?” he slurs after a long moment, eyes glazed over, looking and sounding as if he were completely wasted, which in a way, she supposes he is.

“Hi, hi,” she coos, trying not to sob, “yes, it’s me. It’s me, Harvey. I’m right here, baby, right here.”

“Dontfeelgood. Sick?”

“Yes, yes, you’re sick,” Roz lies (though she again supposes, in a way he is), “Hilda gave you lots of medicine; you’ll feel better soon, I promise.”

“Tired.”

“You can sleep, you can sleep. Need lots and lots of rest, Harvey.”

He falls asleep before she’s done talking.

.

What… what the fuck… this isn’t my shirt, is the first semi-coherent thought he has, at around six in the morning, though he has no concept of what time it is at the moment. He feels like he got hit by a truck, is the next thing he figures out.

“Oh, oh, you’re awake?”

“Not my shirt,” is the first thing that comes tumbling out of his mouth, still a little slurred.

“One of Ambrose’s,” Theo answers gently, having switched in for Roz after she started sobbing so hard they feared she’d wake Harvey, “you threw up on yours.”

“I… what?”

“You were really sick in the night, Harvey,” Theo responds as steadily as he can, “we were scared. We were all really scared.”

“What?” he asks again, head hurting so badly he can hardly keep his eyes open.

“You don’t remember,” he says simply.

“Don’t remember what?”

“You did… you did something bad, Harvey.”

“What? Did I kill someone?” Harvey deadpans, confused and frustrated and just wanting to know what the f*ck is going on.

A long silence follows.

“Well, yourself, almost,” Theo says, enunciating every syllable, realizing there was a reason he was sent in for this part, probably being the only one besides Zelda with the heart for it, “you tried to, I mean. You tried to kill yourself, Harvey. You swallowed a bottle of pills, Roz had a vision of it so Hilda was able to save you just barely, you… no, no. I shouldn’t call you a dumbass, you--”

“Tried to kill myself,” Harvey repeats slowly, finally starting to remember, “and it didn’t work.”

“Which is a good thing,” Theo near growls, surprised by how angry he is all of the sudden.

“It’s not,” Harvey whimpers, beginning to… panic, for a lack of a better word for it, and feel absolutely mortified, and like a fuck up, and like a dumbass like Theo said because he couldn’t even do that right, “it’s not, it’s not. It’s not. I fucked up so--- oh my god. Oh my god, oh my god.”

“Hey, hey, breathe, dumbass,” Theo warns, rushing over to hold his hand, “you need to take it easy, okay? You’re recovering--”

“Can you just kill me, please?” Harvey blurts out unthinkingly, but with complete sincerity.

“I fucking hate you!” Theo screams, knowing he’s doing the wrong thing but unable to keep from yelling and storming out.

.

“I think that shirt looks better on you, actually,” Zelda says calmly, being the next one on Harvey Watch because everyone has to admit she’s the most likely one to be emotionally… reserved, which is what Harvey most likely needs at the moment.

“You don’t even like me,” he groans, hiding his face in Sabrina’s pillow and quietly crying, hoping Zelda is… polite enough to ignore the crying, or just callous enough not to want to deal with it.

“I used to not like you,” she says matter-of-factly, “but that was only because you were tying my niece to the mortal world. You’ve quiet grown on me. You’re a very brave young man."

To which he can’t help but scoff, of course, because he feels anything and everything but brave.

“You are, though you most certainly don’t realize at the moment, and especially not last night,” she says bluntly, giving him a chance to respond, but he just stays quiet other than the crying.

“Harvey, I’m glad you’re alive.”

He’s again silent, which she easily figures is an “I’m not.”

“There’s help for these things, you know,” she continues, “I won’t call you stupid, but that was not the right decision at all. At all, Harvey. And I’m sorry you don’t see it that way, but none of us are going to let you die. Not a chance. So you’re going to have to give up on that fantasy of yours, I’m afraid.”

“How do I know this isn’t hell?” he jokes pathetically.

“Because if you were dead, my daughter would try and resurrect you,” she replies steadily, unphased.

He almost laughs at that. 

“And, because you actually went to hell yesterday.”

He does laugh at that, but then immediately starts sobbing.


	2. The Morning After

.  
Harvey feels as if his body has been run over by a tow truck multiple times, his head is going to explode, like he’s going to puke at any moment, and as if his bones and muscles have all melted into jello. Suffice it to say, he does not want to talk to anyone, about anything, in general. He especially doesn’t want to talk about what he did to make him feel so physically miserable. Which is, of course, what everyone wants to talk with him about.

“Go away,” he mumbles into his pillow over and over again, knowing there’s no way in hell that’s going to happen and also knowing he’s acting like a petulant child, but he just wants to go back to sleep and preferably to never wake up.

“Can you just look at me, Harvey?” Roz begs, still crying, and he wonders how her eyes haven’t run out of tears by now.

No, no, he can’t look at her. He can’t meet anyone in the eye right now.

.  
Apparently, Sabrina’s weird cousin and his weird witch girlfriend are back from whatever dumb magic trip they were on, and Nick is going to be freed or whatever, is what he’s been hearing from outside the hallway, and none of it from Sabrina herself, as she hasn’t come to see (babysit) him. He supposes that just like Theo, Sabrina hates him.

.  
“I don’t hate you, Harvey,” he says quietly, “I got mad, I mean, I still am, but I don’t hate you… I could never hate you. I’m sorry I said that. And I know you’re probably not going to say anything back because you’re not saying anything to anyone, but I needed to say it to you. I’m sorry. You’re my friend and I love you, and my life wouldn’t make sense without you in it. In any of our lives without you in it. That’s why I’m so angry.”  
“What’s going on with Nick and Hell or whatever?” He asks after a tense silence, not even beginning to know how to respond to any of what was just said to him.

“Is that… is that really what you’re concerned about right now?” Theo asks in a small, scared, anguished squeak.

“I heard you all talking,” Harvey says simply.

“The soul of Satan,” Theo begins, laughing a bit bitterly about how this something he has knowledge and first hand understanding of, and Harvey feels a little bit understood for the first time in months, “is being transferred from Nick to Zelda’s ex-husband as we speak. I didn’t ask any other questions beyond that.”

“I wouldn’t have either,” Harvey groans into his pillow, with a small forced laugh that comes out more as a croak.

“Your dad thinks you’re staying here this weekend for a school project,” Theo volunteers after a moment, “Sabrina’s Aunt Hilda took over a very convincing plate of biscuits, apparently.”

To which Harvey genuinely laughs, because the magic biscuits were probably not even necessary, and his dad probably hadn’t even noticed he was gone.

“I don’t know what we’re going to do come Monday, but I doubt you’re going to school, and I don’t think you’re going back to your dad’s house anytime soon.”

“Figured as much,” Harvey grumbles, because he’s long accepted that he doesn’t have any real choice in anything that happens to him. He’s known it ever since Sabrina told him she was a witch. (He chose to kill Tommy, though.)

.  
“Remind me of my mom,” he finds himself saying, as she gently washes his face off. He had sat up too quickly and gotten dizzy and puked again.

“I do, darling?” Hilda asks quietly.

“Mmm. Can’t always remember her well,” he whines, coughing a bit, “died when I was little. But you help me remember her better. Sweet, warm. Took care of me.”

“Oh, Harvey,” she coos, dabbing at her eyes a bit, “I’m glad I help you remember your mummy, love. I’m sure she was just a beautiful, beautiful woman, and I’m sure you miss her so, so much.”

“I do,” he sighs, “mama. Not fair.”

“It’s not, it’s not,” she shakes her head, “it’s not at all, you poor thing. Lost your mummy far too soon, and your big brother, too. So much pain for a little heart to carry, hm?”

“Hurts,” he whines simply, leaning on her and tugging on her sleeve.

“Yes, sweet boy?” and when he’s quiet other than just pouting, she asks, “do you want a cuddle?”

And he nods and tugs on her sleeve some more, and who is she to deny him?

“Okay, okay, I’m right here, love. You’re exhausted aren’t you?” she sighs, knowing that must be the reason he’s suddenly so earnest, “it’s going to take your body a few days to recover. You can sleep now if you like.”

“Not yet,” he whines, reminding her of Sabrina as a fussy little child.

“Okay, okay, it’s not bedtime for you yet, my love. That’s alright. Anything you’d like to talk about?”

“Do you think mama would be mad at me?”

“Mad at you for what, darling?”

And he just whines and looks at her in a “you know what” sort of way.

“No, no, sweet boy,” she sighs after a long moment, feeling a little teary again, “I don’t think she’d be mad at all. Devastated but… not angry. She’d want to help her sweet baby boy feel better, and she’d be so, so happy that you’re still alive.”

“Can she see me? Could she see?” he whines, “because heaven and hell are real and all that. Didn’t think so before but now I know.”

“I don’t know,” Hilda lies, feeling that Harvey is not emotionally ready at all to know the truth that yes, his mother almost certainly watched her precious baby try to kill himself.

“I was five when she died,” he whimpers, “wonder what she’d think of me now.”

“She’d love you,” Hilda insists, a tear or two falling down her cheek, “she’d love you, she’d love you, she’d love you. Not a thing you could ever do to change that.”

“Nothing? Nothing I could do?”

“Nothing, not a single thing,” she nods firmly, “nothing in the whole wide world and heaven and hell could ever break her love for you, sweet boy. Nothing. You are so loved and always will be, by your mummy and so many others.”

“Do you love me?” he asks in a tiny voice, after a long, long silence.

“I do,” she replies emphatically, tucking his head under her chin, “I do love you, sweet boy. And I’m so glad you’re here with me right now.”

“Okay,” he says simply, and Hilda prays to Lilith that he believes her.

.  
The “only one person until Harvey is okay with more” rule gets broken, as that’s the only way Sabrina gets… “brave” enough to see him. It’s been about eighteen hours since Hilda saved Harvey, and she’s afraid if she doesn’t go now she’ll run away. From Harvey, from her family, from Greendale. From everything, maybe.  
Or maybe she’ll go back to Hell, which is where she’s starting to believe she might belong.

“Roz?” Harvey calls, sounding defeated, still not looking up at her.

“Yes, and a friend,” she responds tearfully, holding Sabrina’s hand as she clutches at hers, giving her a “speak now or forever hold your peace” sort of way.

“Hi, Harvey,” she whispers, voice, quivering, and they watch Harvey’s body stiffen up even tighter than it was before.

“Harvey,” she repeats, a bit louder this time, starting to work up some courage, “Harvey, I need you to look at me.”

“If you use a spell to make me look at you, I’ll never talk to you again,” he jokes sadly, and Sabrina finds herself emitting a noise that sounds like she’s choking; it feels like a gut punch that she can tell he hears the fear in her force and is trying to make HER feel better by making a joke out of it. 

“You almost died last night, Harvey,” she says after a tense pause, “you almost died. Do you have anything to say about that?”

“He’s not g-gonna,” Roz whimpers, “he’s not gonna talk. N-no one can get him to talk about i-it.”

“Harvey,” Sabrina sighs, tears quietly streaming for eyes, which is an art she feels like she’s accidentally mastered this past year, “Harvey, do you have any idea how serious this is?”

More silence.

“HARVEY,” she demands.

“You think I don’t… what? You think I was doing it for fun?” He asks with an edge of bitterness so rare for him she recognizes as ithe “I’m sure you meant well but you made me shoot my fucking brother” inflection.

A piercing scream breaks through Sabrina’s consciousness just barely as her heart pounds overwhelmingly in her ears, and she doesn’t realize it’s coming from Roz until the door slams shut and it’s just her and Harvey alone.

“Harvey,” she breathes, feeling dizzy, “Harvey, Harvey, Harvey. I… Harvey.”

She stumbles toward the bed, hopping up next to him and shaking his shoulder a bit.

“Harvey, I’m… look at me, I’m begging you.”

“Harvey.”

“Harvey.”

“Harvey, I’m not… I’m not leaving until you talk to me. And probably not for a long while after that.”

“Nick--”

“Is sleeping. My Aunties are watching him. He knows I need to be here.”

“Congrats on getting him--”

“HARVEY.”

“I’m not gonna say it,” he whispers, sounding like he’s crying, though Sabrina still can’t see his face to check, “you want me to say I regret it, and that I learned my lesson and wish I hadn’t and that I want to… I don’t. I can’t. I’m not going to lie to you, Sabrina. I wish.. I want… I meant it. I meant it. I don’t regret a thing, just that I…”

“Lived?” she chokes out, tugging on his sleeve until he finally turns over, face still scarily pale except for his eyes, bloodshot and swollen from crying. They match hers.

“I meant it, Sabrina,” he says as steadily as he can, before sobbing again, for about the fifth time that day.

“Harvey, Harvey, no,” she cries, touching a shaky hand to his cheek, “Harvey, no… no, no, no. We’ll fix it, we’ll fix it. Please. I don’t know how but we’ll make it better for you. Harvey, I swear, we’ll get you feeling better. We’ll--”

“Think it’s a lit-itt-le late for that Br-Brina,” he sobs, “too f-far gone.”

“No, no you’re not, Harvey Kinkle. I promise. I promise you’re not. We’re going to… we’re going to bring you back. You’re not too far gone and we’ll bring you back and you’ll be happy again. I just need you to hang on for me, okay? For me and for Roz and Theo and--”

“I w-want to be with m-my mama.”

“Not yet,” Sabrina gasps, “not yet, Harvey. I need you to wait. I want to see my mom and dad, too, but I know I have to wait. Wait with me, Harvey, okay? Wait FOR me, okay?”

He stops talking after that-- just cries and cries and cries until sleep overtakes his weak body once more.

“Harvey Kinkle,” she croaks in whisper, voice raw from having cried right on with him, “you aren’t leaving this mortal realm anytime soon. I’m gonna keep you. We’re all going to do whatever we can to keep you. You are not leaving us.”

He’s not awake, so he can’t respond, and so she takes her pinky and gently curls it around his.

“There, you promised me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's okay I am crying too

**Author's Note:**

> Hi hello and sorry I know this is sad but Harvey is so clearly struggling (at least in my interpretation when I watch the show) and this idea wouldn't leave me alone. Cannot promise consistent updates but updates will happen eventually, I promise.


End file.
